Beaten but not Defeated

Beaten but not Defeated: An Alternative Perspective on Handling Life’s Misfortune

By Michael Bickert

Setbacks, challenges, obstacles, and failures are a part of everyone’s life. Many people would state that these are some of the most unpleasant parts of life. Indeed, those experiences which we perceive as painful or difficult can be unpleasant. But, in many ways, our perception of these experiences as detrimental or deleterious is flawed. Instead, setbacks, challenges, obstacles, and failures are critically important parts of life, each integral in our ultimate success and happiness.

It is important to first realize that everyone’s perception is his reality. Further, how you interpret every situation in life dictates the reality in which you live, whether it is one of joy and happiness, or one of despair, disappointment, and depression. (Note: For the purposes of this article, I am setting aside the very important and prevalent cases of those suffering from clinical depression, serious emotional trauma, psychological or psychiatric illness, and addiction. Those suffering from any of these must seek ongoing, professional, and compassionate treatment.)

While some become angry or encounter feelings of defeat upon meeting with difficult situations in life, others view these as opportunities, understanding that much personal growth is born of adversity, ­ “No pain, no gain.”

During the global financial crisis that surfaced in 2008, many businesses faced severe cuts in profitability, some struggling to even stay afloat. Throughout this difficult time, some business owners and managers rolled up their sleeves and charged at the challenge, recognizing the opportunity. Such managers innovated, cut expenses, increased market­share while their competition languished, and brought their businesses out of the recession more profitable than before. Heninger Toyota is one such business. The key is that the looming threat of an imminent financial crisis served as motivation to act. Moreover, the actions taken were very motivational in leading to further refinement and business improvement.

Someone once keenly observed that many people erroneously believe that action follows motivation, when, in fact, the opposite is always true. It is very fulfilling and energizing to create solutions to life’s problems. And, the more you do it, the more you are inspired to do it again. The acquired confidence, knowledge, and experience associated with problem solving helps to fuel further improvement action.

Consider the satisfactory feeling of solving a riddle; it often gives the requisite confidence and desire to try again. However, the power of failing to anticipate and overcome adversity, along with the associated pain, serves those with the proper mindset just as well. Once again, valuable experience and knowledge is gained through the experience. The toddler who touches a hot surface quickly learns an indelible life lesson that can prevent serious injury later in life. This is analogous to the person that suffers financial turmoil early in adulthood, due to insufficient planning. He is more likely to apply this experience to prevent greater pain from a lack of preparation in the future. But, it requires honest reflection and analysis of the situation. And, it requires an attitude of accountability and responsibility. Those with victim mentalities will not benefit from the wonderful lessons that life can teach.

If you are currently struggling with one of life’s curveballs, take the time to study the situation. Ask yourself, “Were there things within my control that I could have done to prevent this from occurring?” If so, resolve to do those things now to prevent future occurrences, whenever practical and possible. If not, move on to the next question. “What can I learn from what is happening now that will make me stronger and more impervious to future problems?” You have to be honest with yourself. People can have a tendency to assign blame to everything outside their control and deny any responsibility for present conditions. That is a dangerous way of thinking. In all experiences, both good and bad, have the mindset that there is a lesson within. It is unproductive to become overly distraught about failings and shortcomings, if only for the sake of self-pity. One of Dr. Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is to be proactive and to focus on those things within your circle of influence. The past is outside of our sphere of influence. Therefore, we benefit only from analyzing failures from the perspective of how we can improve in the future.

Here are 10 tips to bear in mind that have served me well when facing adversity:

1. Maintain perspective. ­ Consider how bad things truly are. Doing so with proper perspective will invariably lead you to conclude that things could be far worse. Don’t fret over things that are temporary and that are insignificant over the course of time. You may lose a job or a bundle of money on a bad investment. You may crash your new car or sustain severe damage in a hail storm. You may lose a loved one to disease, or a spouse may end the marriage. Of course, none of these things are pleasant. But, maintain perspective, in full acknowledgement that many others have suffered similar situations, or worse, and have went on to triumph in life. People have lost their sight or limbs in accidents. Others have had children incur severe burns from house fires, or have lost their homes and all possessions in floods. In some parts of the world, entire families are wiped out due to famine or disease. Some people are imprisoned or beaten due to political or religious beliefs. Others cannot even go for groceries without fear of becoming victim of bombings, stray bullets, or snipers, in war-torn areas.

2. Reflect on gratitude and count your blessings. ­ Make a habit of writing down 3 new things every morning for which you are grateful. Once you have listed the obvious ones over the first few days (e.g. family, health, a home, etc.), you will be forced to really reflect on how many things you have taken for granted for so long. When is the last time you reflected on how fortunate you are to have the use of your legs and full mobility? Are you thankful for your education and your ability to read? What entitled you to live in a free country? Never stop finding ways to be grateful. It is a key component to happiness!

3. Turn the situation into an opportunity for improvement. ­ Every single one of life’s rigors can serve as motivation or a stimulus for improvement. Think back over time and ask yourself how many times you have encountered adversity that seemed extremely daunting at the time. Then, reflect on whether you would change those things or not. Many times, we acknowledge that we would not want to change any of our past adversity, recognizing how it lead to a positive outcome or change in our lives. This realization can be powerful in helping us to view current challenges as opportunities. Some become so comfortable in their lives that they fail to realize how much more they could have achieved if they had been willing to take the risk. Hardships, such as layoffs, have been the catalysts for countless people to undertake entrepreneurial endeavours that they otherwise would not have tried. Our greatest afflictions can cause reflection and spark ideas that would have otherwise remained dormant. Embrace these opportunities for improvement and recognize the inherent power they posses. The alternative, to wallow in misery and wait for the world or the government to solve our problems, is a far bleaker fate.

4. Keep your faith. ­ In times of trouble, remember, “This too shall pass”. Take the opportunities provided by adversity to rediscover your faith. Pray, pray, and pray some more. If you have never been a believer, ask yourself what you have to lose to explore some unanswered questions in this area. There is great comfort in understanding that there is a bigger picture and plan than what is obvious to us on any given day and during any given setback. Invest the two minutes is will take to read Matthew 10: 7 ­ 11 and Luke 18: 1 ­ 7. Is it possible that you have been taking too much for granted and that this is God’s mysterious way of turning your thoughts and heart to Him?

5. Focus on those things over which you have control. ­ People have a tendency to spend entirely too much time dwelling on things over which they have absolutely no control. If you ever find yourself complaining about the past, the weather, the government, or the actions of others, give your head a shake. Instead, focus all of this energy on those things over which you have complete control and that can bring about positive change in your life. Doing so will empower and invigorate you. You will transform from victim into architect of your own future and life. Also, you will find that you will be able to influence more and more things in your life. It is a waste of your energy and very defeating to focus on things you cannot change. Conversely, it is one of the most leveraged investments you can make to focus on your own actions and abilities and to take responsibility for improving your own situation.

6. Find ways to establish more balance in your life. ­ Many of life’s tribulations are created out of a lack of balance. Take a moment to write down your priorities, those things which are of utmost importance to you. Now, take another moment to estimate how much time you spend on the various things that fill your day. Do the lists reconcile? Are you investing sufficient time in those things you profess to hold as your highest priorities? Some focus so much on their careers that they neglect their health and important relationships, later to find that success in business has cost them quality of life or closeness with loved ones. It is imperative to dedicate and invest effort in all aspects of your life: career/vocation, health, social, spiritual, emotional, financial, and leisure. Since there is a finite amount of time in a day, it is critical to plan for investments in each area. With respect to this tip, it is very true that “a failure to plan is a plan to fail”. You cannot disregard any category with the intention of dedicating “spare time”. Doing so will inevitably leave a critical aspect of your life unattended. Spare time is a myth; it does not exist, except as an excuse to procrastinate.

7. Reconsider your premises and paradigms. ­ Some people spend a large portion of their lives in futile pursuit of certain goals. When the achievement of the goals eludes them for long enough, discouragement sets in and erodes motivation. But, with dogged determination, some re­engage in fruitless attempts to attain the goal. In the event of encountering repeated failure when pursuing a goal, step back and examine your methods. Be it related to health, weight loss/nutrition, exercise/fitness, business, or relationships, there is a lot of misinformation circulating, causing people to put forth significant effort doing the wrong things. Objective analysis of your results should be a key indicator of whether you are on the right track or not. It is okay for progress to come slowly; sometimes the most worthy pursuits take a great deal of time. But, if you are not making consistent incremental gains in progress toward success despite your best efforts, it is very likely that you are following a faulty recipe. Stop what you are doing and reexamine the plan. Find many others who have achieved exactly what you want and explore their methods thoroughly, keeping a keen awareness for subtle advantages they may possess that are unavailable to you. Some people succeed in spite of their methods, due to genetic advantages, social connections, lucky timing, or favorable market conditions. It is precarious to emulate such people. Rather, your goal is to find common themes among a host of people that have attained what you are pursuing and apply those techniques. Often, this means doing the exact opposite of what you were taught or what you have believed your entire life. For example, for most of the past four decades, the nutritional pundits in North America have led us to believe that we must eat a low­fat diet and exercise several times per week in order to maintain or achieve a healthy body composition. Most experts will now tell you that this is simply untrue. It does not matter how hard you try, how persistent you are, or how positive your attitude is if you are endeavoring to do something with inherently flawed instructions.

8. Do the “right” things. ­ At all times, regardless of your situation and level of success, avoid the temptation to lie, cheat, steal, or be unethical, immoral, or unkind. Be polite, generous, and considerate in all areas of your life. When faced with a dilemma, do the right thing. Let your conscience be your guide. And, don’t let greed, envy, or rationalizations cloud your judgement. When in doubt, seek advice from someone who is known to have strong character and has little vested interest in your decision (e.g. clergy, teacher, or a close friend). Don’t seek out someone who will simply tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear. Consider advice only from those whom you have witnessed to be uncompromising in matters of morality and important issues. During times in life when we struggle, it is very tempting to stray from the righteous path. But, any perceived success gained this way will be fleeting and will lead away from happiness. You cannot achieve joy in life by going against your ethos. Since it is impossible to define a life void of joy as successful, it is merely an exercise in self-deceit in trying to attain success in ways that leave you conflicted.

9. Adopt an attitude of service. ­ The quickest way to give your life satisfaction and fulfillment is to help someone else. When you are feeling depressed, find a way to give support and a helping hand to someone else in need. As the words often attributed to St. Francis of Assisi assert, “It is in giving that we receive”. Give without hope of a reward. The feeling you experience will be more than enough compensation. You need not work miracles in order to change the world and make it a better place. You need only be a hero at the right time to someone in need. Be attentive to the needs of others and look for ways to respond. Random acts of kindness will do more for your spirit than any antidepressant ever could. Irrespective of how troubled your current situation seems, you can improve your position by serving others. Donate, volunteer, and be generous as opportunities present themselves. Those in need may be complete strangers or the people closest to you. Someone in your home may be in great need of hearing how much you love them. Remember, your troubles affect others. And, we tend to become blind to the tribulations of those around us when we are down on our luck. Maintain an acute sense of awareness of others’ feelings and use this time as inspiration to be a servant of humanity. The world sorely needs this.

10. Double your efforts and resolve to be willing to do that which others are not. ­ Many people could improve their situation with a little planning and great effort. Yet, a lot of people are unwilling to do what it takes. Pride, ego, laziness, fear, procrastination, and excuses can prevent good people from reversing misfortune and directing their lives on a path to unimagined success. In this regard, consider life as a competition; allow no one to put forth more effort than you into achieving what you want. This competitive spirit should not be cutthroat or of a malicious nature. Rather, have fun with the notion that you are unstoppable and willing to do whatever it takes. In reality, the most successful people simply work smarter and maybe a little bit harder to accomplish so much more than their peers. Be glad that the best things in life are difficult to achieve. It is due to that very fact that opportunity exists all over. If it was all easy, everyone would be doing it ­ whatever “it” is. The fact that so much effort is required for worthwhile endeavors is what makes them so rewarding. And, it is also why so few people genuinely commit to putting in the necessary time, energy, and effort. Therefore, the proverbial high­hanging fruit is left on the tree for those willing to simply pick it. What if you try and fail? Will you be better off than you are now? At the very least, you will be more experienced and knowledgeable regarding what it takes for your next effort. A better question is this: What if you try and succeed? The worst question is the nagging unanswerable one: What could I have accomplished if only I had tried?

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Michael J. Bickert

About the author: Michael Bickert spent much of his formative years inside a swimming pool, as an elite competitive swimmer. By the time he left high school (at 17 years old), he was naively determined to become a rockstar, and moved 4,500 kilometers away from home to pursue the dream. Michael has been homeless, not knowing where his next meal was coming from, on no fewer than 4 occasions. During each of these experiences, he was genuinely motivated and impressed by, as opposed to envious of, the most successful people around him, believing, “If they can do it, so can I”. Married at the age of 20 and a father at 21, Michael dropped out of university and abandoned his new plans to become a chiropractor, in order to provide financial support for his family. He started his first of several businesses, a fitness consulting and personal training business, a few years later. Unshakeable faith in God, staunch determination, repeated self­reinvention, a dedication to continuous learning and self­improvement, and a career steeped in entrepreneurial spirit, ambition, and salesmanship has all led to his current role as the head of a management company, real estate investor, and co­owner of Heninger Toyota, one of Canada’s largest Toyota dealerships. Michael and his wife of over 25 years, Lana, have raised 3 sons (24, 19, and 13).